Letter from achan...

In the last post I mentioned the first letter I got from my father. Here it comes...



Thiruvananthapuram
01.01.2009

Dear Hari,
I had no doubt on what I Should be doing first in the new year. Now it is 30 minutes past 12 and I think we spent these minutes together last year. This year the experiences had not been that pleasant. Anyhow I am doing something that I always wanted to do , used to do in the past but lost amidst the frantic journey that was over the past few years. I had always been an ardent letter writer and can you believe that I used to write more than 20 letters a day during my MBBS days, sometimes it exceeding even 30 and I used to sent to all my well wishers, friends etc !!! That also at a time when I didn’t have enough for my food; yet managed to get the stamps. Over a period of time life changed. There was (is) enough to eat; But cant because of paucity of time or because of the fear of diabetes, Hypertension and Hypercholesterolemia. I am envious of you in that you have enough to eat at that age but are not eating!!! What a paradox !!!! I think , I am obsessed about eating and feeding since that was the lone concern during my childhood and Boyhood days. There was never enough to eat. The only concern during those days used to be food and food alone. Those are days long bygone!

I was pretty sure that the New Year should start with something that I always wanted to restart; yet failed because of lack of assertiveness. Yes , I am doing that. I am restarting the old habit of writing letters. I wanted to restart letter writing by writing a letter to my closest friend or relative. When I sat in front of the computer I had no doubt. Now I have the combination of both in one person and am writing to him.

My life’s accounts till 2008 need to be audited. I find that there are loses and gains; the later far exceeding the former. Even then I have the regret that I am not remaining as futuristic and pragmatic as I used to be when I was of our age. Journey from a house with thatched roof and no electricity to the current position had never been smooth. But it was always gratifying. The indomitable spirit with which it was undertaken all these years , I am afraid is failing gradually. Maybe because of ageing. Or because of unforeseen developments. I know, I am distracting you from your studies. But cant help. I think , I am a happy man. Especially when I see the man you are sometimes!!!!

(some part omitted. purely family matters)

Indira is very nice, of course. But my efforts time and time again to impress upon her about the ‘priorities one should have in life’ have failed miserably. Her world is different. Of course, she is lovable and loving> ‘Indiscriminate love’ is also dangerous. You may be a ‘universal lover’. Yes, you love everyone. Great. But I want you to love me a little more since you are my only son. These arguments don’t go well with Indira.

Unfortunately , I am a lot more sensualistic and sentimentalist and can’t bear even the thought that she loves me among all the others whom she loves- Other relatives, patients, “friends, romans and countrymen!!!!!!” . In her priorities where do we stand? I don’t know. Of course love is not mutually exclusive. You can love more than one person without affecting either. But, I always want to be loved more. I always want my family members like you, kunchi and manu to be loved more by her. But she fails to impress upon me that she devotes her unconditional love on us. In my special setting it’s a tragedy. I like to be loved( being the youngest in the family, that’s the natural way) and loved. I like the expressions of love. One should not only love me but also express and show that he/she loves me. Then only I am contended and happy. The only two people who impress that sort of a feeling in me are you and ‘vava’. In the presence of both of you , I have a feeling that I am in the company of someone who loves me and that is shown and expressed. Years ago I used to have such a feeling in the presence of Indira Unfortunately , I am afraid She is not able to impress upon me the same was as she used to do during those years of yore. Could be my apprehension. Unfortunately she does not have the time or skills to convince me the other way round.

I want you to put in a little more weight. Once you were exactly the way I painted your picture in my mind. Now you don’t look the ‘smart’ ‘mannish’ and ‘robust’ young man that I wanted to be my son. You could be that. Not to impress or convince me but to live in this era of high competition and rat race. Your choices are excellent, your determination is great, your tastes are pucca, your ambition is admirable, but your adamancy sometimes is self-destructive. These are my observations. Please try to overcome that ‘self destructive adamancy’, try to look at people from their perspective, believe that putting on some weight or having a good physique is not a sin and leave aside your rebelliousness because I used to be far more rebellious than you at your age and I now regret on that rebelliousness. I strongly believe that my one and only son should not regret on something in future that I have amply regretted because all good things that a teacher can teach are to be for the benefit of his progeny first and you are to learn from my short comings. If I fail in impressing upon you on my shortcomings and failures and make you learn from them I am not only a poor parent but also a poor teacher. I don’t like either of these titles!!!! So, please help me to be a good parent and good teacher- which I always strived for and am striving even now.

Wishing you a very happy ,prosperous and virtuous 2009 and all the years ahead,


With love,
Achan

P.S:- These are random thoughts and the letter is totally unedited, unchecked for grammar and spelling!!! It is written in the way I thought and Could be literal Malayalam thinking in some places!!!

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This was the first time i got a letter from my fatherin my life.That was at pala. First in a series of letters which ended at pala itslef.

If u ask me( no one wud ask) why i like this one I have a multitude of reasons. Ellathilum upari oro pravasyam ethu vaayikumbozhum I see dat we are the same...me and achan... One whole para he complains abt amma. When he feels dat d oder person doesnt spend enuf time with him, if he feels ignored he complains a lot about that. A lot. He wud feel sad abt dat, feel bad abt dat. He would point out to them. Sometimes chori dem. He juz wants dem bak like dey were. he juz wants more of der time. More of thier love n care. What about me ? Am I any different? (hmm der is one difference :D i blame myself. he blames d oder person)
(btw vaaranam aayirathile surya and simran or krishnan and malini are the 2 ppl i relate to them. aa filmil enniku achan suryaye aanu kooduthal ishtam. dey are like our case I feel.hehe. Letteril itrayokke ammaye kuttam parayunnenkil its juz becoz he felt she didnt give enuf time for him her d time he wrote this. Happens once in a while. Made for each other i wud say. Complements each other. Completes each other. I know one thing, straight, he cant imagine a life without her...)

More than that I have one big doubt!!!!!!
Alla, over use of exclamatory marks and Using 'P.S' at the end of letters okke genetically kittumo??? dis is d first of letters i got from him and athinu munne ezhuthiyirunna lettersil ulpade njn cheythirunathu achanum cheyunnu :) addition of the nex gen to this is i add smileys in lettters or offlines.

chila bhaagams vaayikumbo kannu nirayum.

I wanted to restart letter writing by writing a letter to my closest friend or relative. When I sat in front of the computer I had no doubt. Now I have the combination of both in one person and am writing to him."

this part especially. Even the 1st para where he talks abt food .vereyum undu. aah...nevermind

Though he hails me in there a lot, I am wasnt that great a thing as a son. Never reached thier expectations saying those are not wat i expect from my life. Rebelliously showing them the more they try to make me do certain things the more i wud adamantly counter it some other way... achanodu njn nerittt paranjitullathu pole..." v r d same thing...adamant ahamkaaris" hehe... dats exactly wat i told him. :D :D :D

Was always an admirer of my achan... Still i am his biggest fan. achan ee letteril ammaye kuttam parayum pole njnum edaykide achane kuttam parayaarundu...dats coz am the same thing he is...i cant stand being ignored by ppl whom i care a lot about... Had to go thru a lot of ignorance n loneliness. now i dont want them.hehe

anyway all of u take care

love

hari