Ee randennathil ethaanu peraayi edendathennu ariyilla. So randum kidakatte ennu vechu
Enne aduthariyaavunavarkku ariyaam, njn “veetil ninnu maari ninnu padikanam” “doore ninnu padikanam” ennokke aagraham paranjirunna oraalaanu( ippozhum agrahathinu maatamonnumila.but colllege aduthaayi poyyi. athukondu tanne hostelil nilkaan thonnunilla). Veedinodu verupundenalla ketto. Doore ninnappol avar sneham kaanichirunnu. Aduthullappo atrem intensityil onnum thoniyitilla. Pinne veetil oralpam spoon feeding koodi pokunennu pandu thonnumaarunnu. Enniku swayam cheyaavuna kaaryams simple aaki taraaanulla shramam. Ente freedo(m)thil kai kadathunennum thonnum, wen they take dicisions without my consent. Ente samayathinu valiya vila kalpikilla lyk dey would make me wait till they are free as if i had nothing better to do( do i?). avar free avaaravumbo enne vilikunahtalle nallathu enna chodyathinu uttaram kittarilla. Always presumes i dont have anything to do when i say 2mrw is a holiday. Avaru kandataa lokam,nammudethu lokamalla, avarkundaayirunathaa bandhangal nammudethonnum bandhangalalla, ennaaa mattum bhavavum hehe.
Above all I always wanted to be independent. Athukondu koodi aanu AFMC ennum vilichu nadanirunne. Doore padikaam, fees onnumilla. Independent.
Palayil pokunenu munneyum skoolil padichirunna kaalathum ammayude vaayil ninnu orupaadu kettitulla vaakukalaanu “njn ividillel evan enganaano aavo enneetu skoolil povuka?” At times I used to feel dat dis dialogue questioned thier view of my self sufficiency. Avarillathe ennikku manage cheyaan pattilla ennoru thonnal avarkullathu pole, some sort of inconfidence dat i cant do a thing right, out of over-concern . Natural for any parent to have dat! I do have the habit of getting overconcerned abt my close frnds. Hehe. So I know.
Anyway amma ippo athu parayaarilla. Palayil oru varsam ninnappol enne vilichunarthaan avide amma illayirunnu. Ente thuni kazhuvaano oro kunju kaaryathinum ente pirake nadakaano irunnu padikkeda irrunnu padikeda ennu paryaano aarum illayirunnu. I did it for myself rather dan their compulsions. Dat is my idea of independence. Enne irrritate cheyum pole pirake paranju ndanal njn rebellious aavum.
At pala I cud manage my time. Doore aayondu veetukaarkum snehakoodutal undennu feel cheyum. Avar ennum vilichu vishesham chodikum. For the first time I came out from under the wings of my parents. Adyamaayi trainil ottaykku pokunathu polum palayil pokumbozhaanu. .i saw myself doing things for myself. I enjoyed all of it. Every bit of it…
Veetil tirichettumbol njn veendum elaya kuttyaaa. Njn veetil silent aanennu paranjal chillarku vishvasikaan paadu thonniyekkam. Anyway angane aanu. Abhiprayangal kunjaayathu kondu chodikaathe thudangiyathaavam pinnedu abhiprayangalum aavasyangalum unnayikaan enniku thonnumaayirunilla. veetil samsaarikaanum. Opposite charecter of my sis. chechi ellam veetil parayum.onnu vidathe. Entelum venamenkil achanodu chechi chodikunna oru cute diaouge undu. kelkaan cute. "achante kayyi paisa undoo? ellenkil venda" hehe
Abhiprayangalum okke veetil thurannu parayaarillayirunnu. Ippo cherutaayitokke parayaarundu. Achane kochile pedi aayirunnnu. Achan oru kidilamaa. Company okkeyaa, but onnu tarapichu nokkiyal tanne njn pedikumaarunnu. So achan enthu paranjaalum anusarikumaarunnu, oralpam irritated aayalum avasaanam achan parayunnathaavum cheyuka. Pala kaaryangalilum ente nattelinte bala kuravinte kaaranam veetil cheyendi irunapozhonnum sabdam uyarthaathe thaazhnu koduthaathennu njn vishvasikunnu. ippozhum Oridathum chennu ninnu swantam abhiprayam uracha swarathil parayaan intiative edukaan madi aanu(parayenda idathu parayunundu ennu tanneya ente vishvasam, still). His suggestions, dey are commands. Athu ente presnamaanu. Athu kondu thane veetil I used to feel suppressed(self suppressed).ippo atrem illa. Pala changed me a lot, though am still the same old person.
Orupaadu per veetil ninnu collegil poyyivaranam ennu parayunnu. Njn nere tirichu Veetil ninnu doore ninnu padiakan ennu aagraham parayunnu. Ennal palayil vechu onnu randu pravasyam “ veetil aayirunenkil” ennu aalochichu poya avasarangal undu. Athil onnannu njn parayaan pokunnathu.
Ethandu Palayile samayam kazhiyaaravunna samayam. All India Medical prelims examinu viralil ennavunna atra divasame ullu. Pala housil ellam koodi 6 per avasheshikunnu. Baaki ullavar manjapitham or jaundice or say,hepatitis vannitto athu varumo enna pedi kondo pala housil ninnu palaaayanam cheythirunnu. Manjapitha kadhakal pinnorikal parayaam. Enthayalum Avasaanam manjapitham pidipedaathe avide undaayirunna 6 perril oraalaayirunnu njn. Thoufilum appo hostelil undu. Taazhathe flooril njngale baaki ullu. Ajith dengue-vum manjapithavumaayi Hospitalil aayi. Palahouse vijanam. Nisabdatha. Angane ulla oru divasam. May maasathilalle all India nadanathu? Enkil april avasaanamaanu ethu. Enniku reference irrikke ksheenam thonni. Nalla ksheenam. Ignored it for den. Vaikuneram aayappo cheruthaayi temperature koodi. Kaiyum kaalum tannuthu. Ellathinetem koode talavedanayum. Sadarana ennikku pani vannalum oru full divasam nilkilaarunu annookke ( med collegil keriya shesham orikal divasangal neendu ninna orenam vannappo aa ahangaaram maari kitti) So ignored it. Raatri kuliraan thudangi. Talavedayum paniyude vaka ksheenom koodi undallo. Manjesh sirne kandu nerathey kidanottey ennu chodichu. Sir samatichu. Njn kayyil ulla oru paracetamol kazhichitt kidannu. Tannuthu viraykunundaayirunnu. But njn urangi.
Natta paatiraykku unarnnu. Thalavedana kalasalaaayi tanne undu. Migraine aayirunirikanam. Enniku ettavum thaangatha kaaryangalil onnanu thalavedana. Dehathu etra vedana undelum njn sahichu nadakum. But talavedana enniku thaangaarilla.(ee edaykku meesamadhavnil kochin hanifayudethu pole pedali aayapozhum vedana sahichilla ketto!!! kazhuthu tirikaathe nadakuvaayirunnu)
Palayile raatriyille tannupinte koode ente paniyude vakayulla virayalum koodi. Bedsheet tanneyaanu njn putachirunne. Like a pupa? Bedsheet kondu chuttum.so Puthaykaan vere thuniyum edukenda bedsheetnte purpose aavem cheyum. Orotta sheetil kaaryam kazhiyum. So tannuthu virachu putachu moodi talavedanayumaayittu kidannu. Talavedanayude bhaagamaayitaavanam, shardikanam ennoru feelingum undaayirunnu. Kidakumbo shardil varunnu ennu thonni ezhunelkum. Bathroom vare chelumbo onnum varilla. Vibhala shramangal nadathum onnu shardikaan. Shardichal talavedana kurayumennoru vishvaasamundallo. Aake vishamichu poyyi. Tannukkunnu,shardikaan varunnu. Chuttumulla murikalail aarumilla. Kayyile avasaana paracetamol aanu nerathey thinnathu. Kure pravasyam eneetitaanelum avasaanm njn oru shardichal oppicheduthu. Shardichappo maybe mentally oru aashvaasamundaarunnu, lyk talavedana ini kurayumallo enna mattil. Kidanittum talavedana kurayunilla. Koodiyathe ullu. Tannuthu viraykann thudangi. Appo alochichupoyyi “ veetil aayirunel ammaye vilichu oru kattan ittu kudikaamaayirunnu”
Pakshe veetil ninnu doore aayi poyille… raavile 4:30 vare urakkamillathe vedanichu kidannu. Athinu shesham mayangi…Adutha divasathe kaaryam manjapitha kadhakailil parayaam.
Ethu pole thala vedana vannu raatri ezhunettitulla naalo ancho raatrikal undu. Athil tanne 3 ennamenkilum shardichitundu. Appozhellam alochichitundu njn veetil aayirunel ennu. Talavedana vannal purathirangi nokkum ethelum muriyil vettamundo ennu. Paracetamolnaa. Ellarum urangiyitundaavum.kaaranam eneekunathellam oru 3 manikkokeyaa. So aarem vilikaathe angane urangaandukidakkum.
Irony of all of these is that palayil ninnu veetilekku vanna sheshavum talavedanakal vannitundu. Nattaapaathitrayku ezhunettu ithu pole shardichitundu. Paracetamol thappiyittum kittatirunna chila raatrikal undu. Annonnum njn aarem vilichunarthaan poyyilla. Urakathil kidakunavare enganeyaa vilichunarthuka enna aalochana. Pathukke vilikkum onnu randu praavasyam. Avar urakamallenkil varatte enna mattil…
Enne aarelum oru sahaayathinu nattapaatiraykku vilichalum njn odichellum. Avar nattapaatirakku vilikaathirunnal vilichoodarunno ennu chodikkum. Enthelum sahaayam venel or entelum undel vilichal mathi, madikaruthu ennu parayum. Palapozhum chillar aa freedom edukunillalo ennnalochikumbo “feel cheyum”. But look at the other side of it. Swantam veetil polum aarem disturb cheyanda ennu vicharikunna aalaa ethokke parayunne ennalochikumbo ennikku tanne oru chammal…alla, chammal alla. I donno the rite word for it. Oru athu thonnum. Baaki ullavare sahayikkan nadakkum. But avarodu sahaayam chodikaan valiya madiyaa. Abhimaani??? Aay. Ataavilla. Atho aano???!!!
Ennikariyilla.
Pandu "The promise" enna kadhayil njn tanne ezhuthiyundu “All great mistakes happen when one tries not to disturb others”.
Enthelum undel parayaan madikallennu parayunna njn tanne oru sahayam chodikaan valare madikunnu… I always justify it by saying that am saving it for some time else. Bhaviyil orikal atyavasyam varumbo chodikaam ennu vechu maati vekunathaa. I beliv or I want to beliv its so.
Ini oru urakamillathaa raatri varumbo swantam ammaye vilichunartaan madikaruthennundu. Edukenda freedom edukanam ennundu. Pattumaayirikum. Salyam aavaatirikaan shramikunathu oralpam over aayi povunnu ennoru thonnal. Hehe.
Neway veetil ninnu doore aayapozhum veetil tanne undaayirunapozhum njn ennikaayi srishticha avasthakal onnayirunnu ennu ippo thonnunu. Evide aayalum nammal tanneyaa nammukku enthaa kittuka ennathu nishchayikukaa. Freedom edukaan ennikulla inhibition ennenkilum maarumaayirikum.
Hmmm … bye for now. Achanum ammem kanji eduthu vechu vilikunnu. Njn kanji okke kudikatte
Take care guys
love
hari
No comments:
Post a Comment